to grieve

the other paradox is
i want too much

and
not enough

this is why i’ve
seen the sunset
49
times in the past
two days

as the glimmering
transcendence
marches transient
on my eye lids

it comes all
in shivers in

bone hands
crippled onto
sheets

//

why is it my
eyes are
glass universes
tucked deep
these days

lit from inside
if only
a flicker

dark blue
the color of
grieving
not allowed

here

we stop our
eyes with
salt prayers
cast

heavenward in
soft
silken questions

beaded rosary
dripping simple
sweet

onto naked
wet
chest 

send me their record

i have been thinking
a lot

about what it means
to be

human
these days

to be
a soft thing

scratched on
vinyl soul

skipping
over tracks

stuck in our
grooves

itching to
move

the needle edged
too deep

unable to
eradicate completely

ourselves from
being played

begging them 
listen

knowing they
already have

found everything
they were promised

and we
are not

it

sanctuary

i am not ok maybe
that is the first

step towards

being

ok but it sure

doesn’t make
the whole filled

let me go 

far 

into the woods

where shadows 

eat the hearts 

of those like us

because

maybe 

when roots tangle out of

my mouth 

spill into

the naked air 

ground me

still

maybe then

my eyes will

come to

rest

upon the

birds above flying

small 

crashing high

into

clouds 

reckless abandon

oh what sanctuary

there will be

in jerusalem 

this year

i hate that i think about you

i woke up last night tangled

in thoughts of you

splayed out sick my body

hated 

craved 

begged 

for you

i think about that 

dark drive home

music hitting horizon hitting

your cheeks me thinking

well damn and

you smiling

did i know then

or was it when you were

asleep head on my arm

questions sitting pretty

all crooked

in your brow line

was that when or

ever

i knew

and just hypothetically weren’t we

going to be together 

forever (just

hypothetically)

why

is it so easy to leave behind

your shadow

it’s also like this:

it’s like i plugged in 

too deep 

i always do

but roots grown thick come

out quick when

you yank them 

too hard

i hate that i think about you 

but i can’t hate you

yet