watch me as i stare

eyes wide,
caught off guard
by how
blank

the sky

her face

his hands

too blank
to blink
back
any sort of
bravery

caught up
caught off
guard by

sudden chilling
nakedness

eyes white as
sunshine
blinding

blank

when i heard of you:
how your breath
went

—stolen
slick—

my hands clutched at
memories
too blurry

to even pin
down
on new paper

but

the blankness
is what i remember most

which

strange—i feel
small things
so

monuments
marked by
marble statues
solid, firm

but this?

this holds no
thing this
holds nothing
this holds
me soft
as i
quiet flesh
slip
by

still blank

hold me while i vomit it out

what ifs
are what
hurt most

like

what if
you hadn’t
felt so
inclined to

kiss me or

what if you
hadn’t rooted
your way in

to my head
with what ifs
last week

1 a.m.
sleepy lazy
eying me

what ifs
felt conquerable
with sheer beating
hearts then

my head pressed
against your chest
heard
thumping hesitancy
strong

tonight, what ifs
are the worst
in your head

for you, what ifs
paint moon
shadows, eclipsing swift

for me, i see
only the glimmering
stars

i want to ask:

what if you
didn’t focus
so much
on what ifs

so what
then

but the what ifs
for me
for you
always
eat first

confessions

first:
i have written a lot
of shit poetry lately

(unfortunate)

happens when 
trying to rework
the process
of mending,
stretching flesh
over feelings
growing growing
new skin
to cover these
blood scraped knees.

second:
this is another shit poem

(accept apologies
in advance
yea?)

but maybe
there is healing

or maybe i have
swallowed too often
such pinched belief

but again!
this is the line i want
tattooed on my tongue

maybe there is healing:
slow
when you are close

when i press my nose
to your hair
smells like
tea tree oil,
things forgotten long ago.

third:
my fingers got lost
in your curls

(yesterday)

i did not mind it.